Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I didn't notice because vodka
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
