My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
