Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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