"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
