So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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