dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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