Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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