i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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