you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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