im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i already hear my dad disowning me
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We are all done wearing pants today
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Come on in and take your pants off
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