I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
