My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
