I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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