I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
