i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
