My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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