with your own penis?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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