I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
