he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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