drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize