3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
