if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
