I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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