You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
