I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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