when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
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He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
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He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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