i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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