a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
