My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
