how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
