Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
