Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
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Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
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Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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