i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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