she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
