You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
