How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
