i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
