So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
