He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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