she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
