everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I came so hard my ears popped.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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