I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Where did you get a picture of my penis
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
