I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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