I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
