I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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