Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
