dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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