I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
