The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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