i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
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That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
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The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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