What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
