The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
