whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
