foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
