Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
What changed your mind?
Being sober
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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