THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
