hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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